September 3, 2006

• Home Again

  So I'm home again, and feeling a little depressed. I feel like
  after spending two weeks in SoCal, everything here seems different. Much more so
  than the last time I visited Cali about a year or two ago. I find myself
  suddenly overwhelmed by a kind of oppressively thick cloud of morbidness that
  weighs down upon me like an unwelcomed burden. Some (like undoubtedly my sister)
  may argue that it's merely because I was on vacation, but I believe I know
  myself and my own feelings a bit better than that.

  I never thought I'd say this, but I feel like home (New York,
  New Jersey, et al) doesn't feel so home-like anymore. It feels like an old suit
  that was once tailored to fit perfectly, but has since become ill-fitting due to
  the changing shape of your body. I just feel like I belong in Cali, if that makes
  any sense.

  Anyone who knows me will tell you that this is somewhat atypical
  of me. I tend to be a creature of habit, comfortable surrounded by routine and
  familiarity. Sudden changes (like moving across the country) are not things I
  tend to be fond of. But in this particular case, the feeling is so overwhelming
  I just can't ignore it. While I was in California, I admit I had my doubts. But
  now that I'm back, I feel like it's become shockingly clear to me what I am
  being compelled to do. My instincts are telling me to go west... to quit my
  comfortable job, pack up all my things, and head out into the wild unknown, into
  the uncertainty of moving across the country with the limited funds I have saved
  up.

  It's a frightening thing, leaving behind everything you know,
  but I just can't ignore how I feel.

  California, here I come.
  

  • 11:34 pm
  • 3 Comments