April 19, 2007

• Living With ADD

  I've had ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) my entire life, and it's the only way that I've ever known how to think or see the world. My case, apparently, is particularly severe. I have difficulty focusing or sitting still for any length of time, which has been the bane of my existance for as long as I can remember. But I cope as best I can. My biggest qualm, though, is trying to explain. No matter how much you explain, no matter how much you try to make someone else understand, they don't really know what it's like, because they haven't lived it. They can't truly sympathize because they don't know what you go through.

  I had a very intense discussion today with my sister about my life and the direction I'm taking. She made sure to make special note of the fact that I'm still single. "It's not normal, Alex. You're a great guy, charming, intelligent, social, you should've found someone by now." Many people take for granted their ability to consistently focus on things, but the most important situation you may need it is for interacting with other people. There are subtle things, body language, verbal cues, movements and such that you need to focus on in order to notice, and the inability to consistently focus is a very large handicap in that respect. I tend to come off sometimes as unresponsive, cold, and detatched (or so I'm told). This is not on purpose, I just miss things that other people wouldn't. Cues, signs, movements. I see some of them, but not all. I get distracted easily, my mind wanders like Curious George, drifting to all manner of other random thoughts. It's something I can't help. I was diagnosed as an adult, and as such I never had the benefit of a pill that normalized me or helped me focus. As a result, I'm reluctant to take my medication. It makes me feel different, I act different, my entire mind works differently when I'm on it. It's almost like I'm a different person. Should I have to take a pill to be "normal"? It's suggested that taking my medication will benefit me greatly in social situations. I wonder, though, if it's wrong to want to just be myself, to try and cope without it. I've lived this long without it, why not longer? Still, the drawbacks seem tremendous. I wonder sometimes how different my life would be if I had been diagnosed as a child instead of as an adult. I don't want to have to depend on a pill for the rest of my life, but at the same time, maybe I should be less reluctant to take something that benefits me.

  • 11:30 pm
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