May 3, 2007

  • Oh my god, a new entry that's not recycled! Ok, so for the past week I admit I've been lazy and yanking up old entries and reusing them. But I swear, this one is brand new.  So I was payed a visit by ms_skeptic and whilst browsing her site I came across a quote that particularly struck me:

    try as i might... to erase those painful... painful memories of these people, who were cruel with my heart. who abused my body, tore my spirit apart... i still can't hate them. i want to hate them. to wish ill on them. to wish karma to come tumbling down on their heads 3fold. i can't. even though i feel as though they deserve it for doing those things to me... for stunting me. for changing me... i can't.

    when did i become this person?
    this jaded piece of flesh...
    throwing back quirky quips
    to avoid the issue at hand... reality.

    i've come to realize that although those moments don't define me, they make me who i am... i haven't lost all faith in men, humanity, and well.... love. it's just a little harder for me to trust... but not to love. love is easy... trust is a bit harder. i want to feel absolved of all the things i've endured... feel free to just be. so i will.

    It's hard sometimes getting over what's happened to you in the past, but reading all of what everyone else goes through, what other people endure, the trials and experiences of other bloggers whose experiences so closely mirror my own, I can't help but be forced to consider that perhaps it has affected my thinking too much. Perhaps I don't trust as much as I once did because I was hurt too often, too deeply by all the wrong people. And perhaps I should just get over and go back to being myself. Maybe not as recklessly trusting in other people as I once was, but at least a bit more than I am now. Hm. That's something for me to work on. Right now my mind is a big muddled mess of haphazard thoughts and I can't focus enough to write anything more coherant or eloquent than that. But yeah, that's what's going through my mind amongst other things. My primary focus right now is trying to get my financial affairs in order so I can move across to the opposite side of the country without undo financial burden, but I would like to get all my personal and emotional affairs in order too before I go. Get all my thoughts and feelings sorted out in my head and get myself back into a more normal state of being.

Comments (8)

  • I can relate a bit. I'm feeling so confused, i donnt know who i am anymore and I', dying to live in the past ;/

    but life goes on and nothing stays the same.

    Aceptence is the hardest part.

  • u should listen to joel osteen's podcast...or buy his book.... it helped me get out of my rut..still in it..but at least making some progress.

  • I lose more trust every time I am hurt as well....ack

  • It comes with the territory, unfortunately. Trusting, loving and experiencing hurt. Even in the best of relationships, there is the give and take that will result in hurt. Whoever wrote "happily ever after" was smoking some serious ganja.

    I'm glad to hear that there is enough resolve in you to move forward. The option is to stay in a shell, to become risk-averse and overly cautious. It's like deciding you'll never eat pastrami and chili cheese fries again because they're bad for you. But, you gotta live! And if you move out to LA, you aren't going to be able to hang out without taking a chance on the Hat or Johnnie's pastrami! This is today's food analogy on life, bruddah!

  • define "normal".

  • ryc:  I only read the first two lines of your comment, but I felt the need to reply anyway...let me clarify something...I do not choose to follow an idealistic path;  it is innate.  Believe me, sometimes I get so frustrated and I just want to be a certain way; however, it isn't me...because it isn't in my nature to be anything other than an idealist...at my core, that is.

  • ryc:  Thanks.  Well, over the years I have gone through phases where I have tried to be "less" than who I am, but I'm happiest when I am who I am.  However, aren't we all?  =)

  • ryc:  I disagree.  I think that some people aren't strong enough to stay true to themselves.  They get all "caught up" in the wrong things and they lose a sense of who they are.  They continuously compromise, or betray themselves, until they lose themselves forever.  Some people never recover or they change into someone else for good...

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