May 8, 2007

• Boundaries

  It’s called boundaries, and a lot of our problems come from the lack of adequately establishing them in our relationships, work, academics, time management. The result is unhealthy for ourselves and for those around us.

  Posted 5/8/2007 2:10 AM by jollyjoker

   

  There’s an old expression prominently featured in a Robert Frost poem that goes Good fences make good neighbors. We are each of us defined by borders and boundaries that mark who we are, our personal space, and what makes up the sum of all the things which are ourselves. I’m friendly with my neighbors, but my property, my space, is my own and I like to keep his and mine separate. I expect him to mostly keep to his and in turn I keep to mine and we each of us care for our own area in our own way, in our own time the way we want.

   

  In much the same way, we as people have boundaries and fences that mark where we begin and other people end. If you start to cross other people’s fences and invade their property, you invade their personal privacy, their sense of self, their inner sanctuary and area just as surely as if my neighbor were to cross our fence. A lack of respect for those boundaries often sends a message of distrust and insecurity, that you lack the faith in the other person to allow them the freedom to do what they want with their own area. I don’t trust you, so I’m checking in to see what you’re up to, how you’ve organized things, and what your plans are. Like a nosey neighbor, such invasions are often unwanted and uncomfortable. If there is no trust to begin with, no amount of blurring of these boundaries can ever artificially create it. You cannot manufacture trust and attempting to do so in this way will shatter what you have. If you truly do not trust them, if you don’t like what they do, you cannot force trust and compliance. You’ll only succeed in pushing them away from you.

   

  Respect other people’s boundaries; those of your family, friends, spouses, fiance, and girlfriend or boyfriend. Give them the freedom to be who they are, to tend to and care for their own little area without your overwhelming presence invading it. It’s ok, of course, to give advice, to be a good friend, to be there for them, but understand that their space is their own, like a house with a fence (and not a shared studio apartment between the two of you). It’s a sign of mutual respect and trust to allow them that freedom, a sign that you believe that they have the ability and strength to live their life by their own values, intellect, and wisdom.

  • 2:11 pm
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