Detour

It's funny how life never seems to take you in the direction you were expecting to go. School starts soon, but I won't be one of the people attending classes this fall. My financial issues regarding the cost of tuition have finally caught up to me, and I am incapable of continuing to pay the expenses of going to SVA. Sometimes I wish I had parents who could afford to send me to a $20k per year school, but you do the best you can with the cards that are dealt to you.

Often we find ourselves faced with a situation where we're striving to achieve a certain goal or a dream, one that we know we want, and through the course of trying to attain it, we find a path suitable to travel to reach it. Eventually we become so absorbed with making there using the path we've discovered, that we don't realize sometimes that maybe the path we're walking is not the path meant for us, or the best one we could have chosen. Perhaps there is a better road to walk.

I feel like life has its own way of guiding me and where I go, as if fate or destiny were compelling me to act, conspiring to coax me into moving in the direction I'm meant to go, rather the one I want to travel. Life's strange that way. Often you'll work hard to get something, only to find that maybe it's not exactly what you had wanted, or maybe that there's a better way to get it.

As humans, we are blinded to full scope of what we're involved in and how it affects us. We tend to only see a small, narrow piece of the whole, and we focus upon it because it's the most we're able to discern with our limited senses. But there are things beyond the range of what we can sense, forces deeper than what we immediately see. There's often more to it than we realize. This is how life springs its surprises on us, through the currents that run far beneath the surface of the seemingly still waters we perceive.

But somewhere in the back of your mind, in some far off corner of your subconscious, the little know-it-all voice that you never really listen to is telling you something is going to happen. Like having your own inner Yoda, he warns you about the coming future, but like the impulsive Luke, we don't usually listen and run off anyway, believing that we know better, feeling sometimes as if we have no other choice. So we run off to face what we believe is our destiny, not realizing that life other plans for us, and that the story is much more complex and tangled than we know.

What you think you want is not always what you truly desire.

What you really want is often not something of which we are consciously aware. It manifests itself through other means, all the while guiding our actions towards that ultimate thing which we are seeking. But don't become so focused on the road you take to get there that you're unwilling to travel to new path, because sometimes the most important forces that affect us are the ones of which we can't see.

Now Playing: Bachelorette by Bjork (This is the music video that caused my sister to fall in love with the anime Utena. My sister dislikes most anime.)

So I've decided to talk about me for a change.

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking and I definately need a change of pace, and a change of scenery. My entire situation currently just feels wrong, like I'm in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing. What really gets me, though, is how comfortable I felt during my last visit to California. It's funny, I've never been big into the idea of living in California. Having been born in Flushing, Queens, I've lived in this area my entire life and it's always felt like home. But I think that's part of what's the problem.

When I'm home, I'm comfortable. When I'm comfortable, I become exceptionally lazy. Whenever I live on my own, I'm extremely productive and studious. I do lots of work, I get lots of things done, I live well. But when I'm at home, I suddenly turn into this lazy, apathetic slob. My room is a disasterous mess and I tend to spend too much time eating and watching substandard afternoon television programs. I love my parents to death, but if I have to live under their roof for another year, I'm going to explode from stress.

My cousin (who lives in LA) suggested I move out there. This suggestion was a direct result of my most recent visit there, in which I noted how different it felt being there this time, like I could really get used to living there. It's not such a simple and easy thing to do, though. Moving anywhere far from Jersey or New York would cause tremendous unheaval in my life. But I think LA less so than any other city, because I have family out there.

One thing's for certain, though. I can't stay here. It's driving me nuts. Being at home is nice for short periods of time, but I've been here for two years, and it feels like it's been two years too long. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I really should just do it.

Just throw caution to the wind and move to Cali.

I have a few months to think it over, but I'm leaning towards yes.

Now Playing: Shake Your Tail Feather by Ray Charles and the Blues Brothers

So I was mindlessly browsing the web when I came upon custom printed M&M's (conveniently available through the provided link) upon which you can write messages to entertain and amuse whoever is eating them. The thought then occured  to me that maybe some clever person could propose to someone using a few printed M&M's. If M&M's have any kind of significance between the two people, it would be different and somewhat original I suppose. And I'm sure she would never in a million years expect it to come that way. Anyhow, I just thought I'd share that completely random thought with all of you.

Note: I've changed the song/video playing in the background again, so it's not How Many Stars anymore. If you really want it back, just request it in a comment or something.

Legacy

This is my father's mother, my grandmother. In ways I can't even begin to describe, she has influenced my father's entire family, an effect which has trickled down their children, to us. Beyond mere genes, I know that we all carry within ourselves a part of her that has become a part of us. And all of this is despite the fact that I've never met her, never seen her, never spoken to her even once to hear a word of comfort or joy. This is because my grandmother passed away two years before I was born.

It's no secret that she's missed. I can tell how much my father cares about her, though he never has spoken about it or admitted it. We own exactly two pictures of her, both of which are framed. One sits on his desk, while the other is hanging on the wall from which all of his old framed black and white family pictures are hanging. I was told once that she was the glue that held the family together. Of this, I have no doubt.

Sometimes I wonder to myself what might have been had she lived on, how different things may have been if she had survived to see all her grandchildren born, and to watch them grow up. A part of me wishes I had not been denied the chance to meet her, even once. But whatever feelings or regrets I may have, I'm certain they pale in comparison to those of my father and his siblings.

I think we all reach a point in our lives when we're forced to question why things happen the way they do. It seems sometimes that life treats us unfairly and unjustly, that we're dealt a bad hand at the worst possible moment. When disaster strikes and things we treasure are lost or taken from us, it causes us emotional pain that we may feel is undeserved, maybe even unbearable. But I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. From our limited perspective from where we stand, we are often unable to see it, unable to truly comprehend how it will affect us and everyone we know. The ways in which these kinds of things change us is profound and deeper than we may be willing to acknowledge. People don't change easily, but these kinds of experiences have a way of forcing us to reconsider some of the ways in which we have come to see life. We ask questions of ourselves and of the universe that we may otherwise not have.

The man my father is today was shaped in part by that event. In his mannerisms, in his beliefs, in the ways in which he sees the world, I can always see the color of my grandmother's influence mixed in. This, in turn, has affected me as well. There's no one I look up to more than my father, and for this reason I never question anymore why it happened, because the road my father walked, he walked in part because of what happened. The person he is, he is because of his past and history.

Though she is gone, she lives on because he carries a part of her inside of him, and he has passed on a small piece of it to me. It is her legacy that she has left.

Sometimes I examine my life from that perspective.

What will I leave behind when I'm gone?

What will be my legacy?

Back By Popular Demand: The How Many Stars video set to Inuyasha
(Note: Thank you to all who left comments in the previous entry.)

Family

"Blood is thicker than water" or so the saying goes. Often it's our family that is neglected the most because we take for granted how we feel about one another and the fact that we'll always be there for each other. I know that in my family, I can count on one hand the number of times we've ever verbally ("I love you" or even "I care about you") or physically (typically a hug) shown each other affection. It's not a comfortable thing to just out and admit, even within the context of what is considered the perfect moment. We just go on the assumption that it's understood how we feel, and that we simply don't need to show it because we already know. Instead, my family displays affection by mocking each other and making sarcastic comments, but I digress.

There comes a time in the lifespan of every family where conflict tears it apart from the inside. Siblings, relatives, parents and children find themselves on less than amiable terms with one another, for reasons no one seems to remember anymore. And those of us caught in the middle sit and wonder why things are this way. We're family, after all. Isn't the bond of family important? What could be so tremendously tragic as to cause such a schism? These are things I often wondered myself when an obvious divide appeared between all of my father's siblings. To this day, I'm still not entirely certain the exact reason, but I do know that it wasn't simply one event that did it, but rather more likely a series of two or more events that made things uncomfortable. Time heals all wounds, though, and for my cousin's wedding (pictured above) they all gathered together in one place at the same time for the first time in over a decade.

I remember the days when we would always get together for the major holidays and our parents would all sit around, and the moms would gossip in the kitchen while the dads sat around the TV in the living room drinking beer and watching the game. Meanwhile, my cousins and I would all be hanging out together in some other part of the house, likely amusing ourselves with a game of some kind. After a while, though, these kinds of gatherings slowly stopped.

By then my cousins and I had all grown old enough to drive, and so we decided that with or without our parents, we would still gather together during holidays like we once did. Family is family, after all. My father never tires of telling me and my sister that once he and my mother are gone, the only thing we'll have is each other. In some ways, I firmly believe in that, because often when it comes down to the really important things, the only people you can be certain will stand behind you is your family.

I suppose the tragic reality of our world is that this is not universally true for all people in all situations.

But for me, at least, it's comforting to know that if the worst ever does come to pass, my family will be there to support me.

-=* Edit *=-

If you find any of my entries useful, helpful, inspiring, or even entertaining, leave a comment or even just eprops so that I have something to guage the success of my entries on. I've found in my past experiences with Xanga that most of my readers tend to just lurk silently, which is all fine and good, but I do appreciate having feedback.

Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned From Naruto
(*This entry was spawned by my boredom*)

*Determination and persistence will take you far in life * If you don't get it on the first try, or the second, or even the third, you'll get it eventually if you just keep trying * Everyone is human, especially the people who seem the least so * People don't forget the nice things you do as easily as you think * Forgiveness will almost always lead you down a better road than revenge * Nothing is more important than having a sense of family * Believe in others and they will start to believe in themselves * Power always comes with a heavy price * The world is always changing. Nothing lasts forever. And often, change is never as bad as we think it is * Sometimes the thing you want the most is the thing you need the least * Any given situation is often bigger and more complicated than you realize at the time * It's always the people you least expect that come to your aid in your time of greatest need * Everyone has a hidden talent. Some people just take longer to find theirs than others * Things don't always work out the way you want or the way you planned, but they'll work out for the best in the long run * Anything worth having will not be easy to obtain * Anything easy to obtain will either not be worth having or will come at a heavy price * Never give up on your dreams * Friendly competition is good for you * People will surprise you with what they are capable of * Life will still find a way to shock you, even if you're expecting the unexpected * It's the people you're trying the hardest to impress that will take the longest to notice what you've accomplished * Life will take the form of what you believe it to be. If you see darkness, it will be dark. If you see a hope filled destiny, it will be beautiful, even in the blackest of times * For better or worse, no one can ever truly stop you once you've made up your mind * Sometimes it's the people we criticize and look down upon the most that become the best of us * Don't always try to follow the path that others have taken. The best road for you might be the one that you create for yourself *

(The following was borrowed from MSN for your reading pleasure. I thought it was kinda interesting and I figured it would entertain some of you briefly.)

The ups and downs of dating a female player
By Jonathan Small

Listen in as one man shares what it's like to go out with one of these irresistible but dangerous creatures: The female player. Tonight would be the night, my friend Johnny told himself.

He'd dated the lovely Sarah off and on—flirting with her over $15 cocktails at swanky clubs, trying to get closer and being pushed away. He finally decided to go for it—to show her how he really felt and pull her into his orbit once and for all. Off they went to New York for the weekend and all was going well. They laughed and kissed over dinner at a hip Japanese restaurant... that is, until a guy named Brad happened to appear.

Sarah had mentioned to her "friend," as she called Brad, that she might be in town for the weekend, and let slip the name of the place where she and Johnny would be dining. Since Brad knew the hottest parties in town, Sarah thought the three of them could team up to hit a few. Before Johnny could raise any objections, his romantic date was co-opted into a group outing—one where he was forced to watch Brad and Sarah bump and grind all night. The kicker? She ended up spending the rest of the weekend with Brad. And Johnny? He was devastated. He had no idea women acted that way. He'd been used... and it wasn't a pretty sensation.

Players. Long a label associated exclusively with men (James Bond, Mr. Big, and Alfie, to name a few), this term has increasingly become all too fitting for a growing number of women as well. Like their male counterparts, female players are always stringing along numerous suitors and thriving on all the attention—not to mention the flower deliveries. What makes her tick? And can we guys stop ourselves from falling for her? As someone who's dated one or two of these ladies (and recoils at the memory), let me share what I can on the subject. First, the good news:

Female player fact #1: There's a definite ego boost that comes from dating her.
These women don't get all this attention from guys because they're wallflowers or plain Janes. They are dazzling conversationalists, well-dressed, and very capable flirts. Says Paul, 37, "I've dated a couple of women like this, and, I have to say, they present themselves in such a great way. It's like dating a character on Sex and the City. They're full of funny stories, and they always have beautiful hair, beautiful nails, great clothes. When you're out with one of them, you feel like a clever, Hugh Grant type out on the town." That's part of what keeps a guy coming back to these women—they feel as if they're part of a rarefied, fabulous world when they're with her. Oh, and there's one more specific way in which they dazzle a guy, as you'll see in my next point.

Female player fact #2: She has incredible lingerie.
All of the guys I interviewed who had dated a female player said the same thing (looking rather dreamy-eyed): Great lingerie. "This is not the kind of girl who's going to be caught dead in plain cotton undies," says Tony, 41. "The woman I dated? She toyed with my emotions, that's for sure. But I can't help but be nostalgic for her lingerie drawer. I'd never seen anything like it. Talk about a kid in a candy store. I guess she'd accumulated that wardrobe to keep her different suitors enticed."

Now, the less-than-good news:
Female player fact #3: These women are on a power trip.
These women believe the pleasure of their company is a treasure men should work for. One player named Christie, 28, explains it this way: "I don't throw myself at guys; I see dates as a trade-off: The guy gets to be seen with a hot girl at a restaurant, and I get to eat sushi for free," she says. "I had a male friend take me to get a couples massage. He got to see me in a towel and I got pampered at a nice hotel. Sounds fair, don't you think?"

Obviously, a guy's ego can take a real butt-whupping from this kind of treatment. I don't know about you, but feeling like a doggie chasing a premium biscuit isn't exactly a sensation I cherish in my personal life. Knowing that these women see themselves as "above you" is a real cold shower in my book.

It goes without saying that guys love the thrill of the chase—and that's exactly what a female player gives them by keeping the relationship casual. "Guys don't like it when you're too eager and available, so I keep my schedule booked," explains Mary, a chic blonde who usually juggles a handful of suitors. "When you make a guy work for it, he really ramps up the romance—he's doing everything he can to impress you and be the last man standing. I'm really amazed by how hard a man will try to win me over: Orchids, dinner at the most in-demand restaurants, incredible love notes—sometimes even jewelry. It's almost embarrassing what a guy will do to get the girl."

Embarrassing, yeah. A female player's way of remaining cool, coveted and non-committal can drive a guy crazy. The prophet Jay-Z once said, "Don't hate the player, hate the game," but that's a tall order. My best advice? If you find yourself drawn into the web of one of these women, set your pride aside—and bring your checkbook.

Jonathan Small has been played like an Xbox by several women. A freelance writer based in Los Angeles, he's also co-author of the new book, The Best Places to Kiss in Southern California.

(Original found at: http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=4815&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544657&menuid=6)

I finally have a guitar. Though this particular
instrument is new to me, I was a musician for eight years and took an
AP Music Theory class before I quit altogether when I went to college,
so I kinda know my way around enough to tell that the sound produced by
this particular guitar is a lot better than what I had expected for the
price I payed. Though I have to admit, I got it used through a friend
of my mother's, so she probably gave her a steep discount. Anyhow, I'll
probably start practicing today.

... that is, right after I finish watching Naruto.
That anime is terribly addictive. I'm up to episode 115. Woot. I think
my poor Japanese language skills have actually improved slightly from
watching all this anime.

Note: I am still taking
requests for topics for me to write about. In the absence of requests,
I'm simply spouting mundane details of my life. Eventually if I'm
inspired, I might write something on my own. But don't hold your
breath.

-=* Edit *=-
The last time I took this test like a year ago, I wound up as Hyuuga Neiji. This time, I got a totally different result. Enjoy.

Which Naruto Character Are You?
Test by naruto - kun.com

My boss has unexpectedly offered me next week off. That means a bonus one week vacation (making a grand total of three weeks off this summer for me). As an added plus, the monday I'd come back to work is Labor Day, so it's one week off plus the following Monday off due to a holiday. Woo.

The only problem now is trying to figure out what to do for a whole week on such short notice.

Hmmm.

Now Playing: Goodbye by SR-71 (set to a video montage from Naruto)
(Note: If you have Internet Explorer and Windows Media Player 9, you'll see it playing at the top of my page, right under the banner.)

your next topic can be about opportunities lost b/c of fear, laziness, timing, etc.

Well, only one suggestion was made (one serious suggestion ), so without further ado...

Note: Still taking suggestions on new entry topics.