The quality of being in accord with standards of right or good conduct.

I could sit here and rattle off reasons why you should try to mostly follow some code of moral ethics for the sake of others, which works if you're a sensitive person who's concerned about other people, but in our ego-centric, selfish society, it's a line of reasoning that won't appeal to everyone. (And you've heard all of that before, I'm sure. Not just from me in past entries.) What's in it for me? What do you get for being a good person? People react negatively when faced with negative things. For example, if someone burst out angrily at you, your immediate instinct will be to snap back at them with equal (if not greater) anger. When we are given a pallette of negative emotions to deal with from the outside world, even if it is unintentional or misdirected, we immediately become defensive, protective, and lash back at what we perceive is an attack. Now turn that around for a moment. If you are the person perpetuating these negative things, then it causes others to react negatively to you in return. This is why you will see it repeated constantly in many different cultures and religions, in many different forms that you reap what you sow.

If a farmer plants corn, he can only expect corn to grow in those fields. In the same way, if you plant the seeds of negativity in others, you will reap a bountiful harvest of negativity later on. It is simply the nature of how we are as humans. Is it easy trying to do the right thing? No, of course not. Just like anything else in life, sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's the hardest thing you could possibly choose to do, but the difficulty in doing it makes it all the more worthwhile that you managed to accomplish it. Will you get a reward, a pat on the back at least? No, probably not. The rewards you reap from doing good things are not obvious, flashy, blatant things like winning the lottery. Just as negativity will lead you to greater negative results, so will promoting positive things lead you to greater positive returns. If you live your life trying to follow that moral compass, then it acts like a guide of how to navigate the world, how to treat other people, and how to move without hitting every storm and patch of rough water along the way. Going back to the metaphor of a ship, if you were a sea captain, would you willingly sail into the middle of a raging storm or go around it? Most of us would choose to go around it, and yet some people recklessly, willingly sail headlong into the thick of a major storm that they could have easily avoided, and then lament the consequences of their actions when they inevitably come out of the storm hurt and damaged. If you're still uncertain, ask yourself why for a moment. Why would so many people from so many different cultures, religions, races, and ethnicities all follow some form of this idealogy of morality? Is it really necessary for us to experience every pain, every hurt, to sail through the middle of every storm in our path, or perhaps is it possible that we can sometimes avoid misfortune to both ourselves and others by occasionally following our little compass?

Music Courtesy of loser_rich (I love this song.)

We here in America are raised our entire lives being told how unique we are, how different we are, how special we are. The irony is that I often find that in my experiences with far eastern culture that the emphasis is on the opposite, that you should conform to the expectations that are placed upon you and do as you are told without question. The emphasis there is not on being unique, but on following a predetermined ideal.

So which is true? Are we different or alike? Should we conform or rebel? What are we to do when faced with such seemingly conflicting messages?

It's true that we are not so different as we are led to believe. As human beings, we share much more in common with one another than we realize. Our similarities run deep, because we all share our roots, the core of who we are deep down inside. Does that mean we should conform? In a way, conformity is not as terrible as some would lead you to believe. To operate within the boundaries of society, conforming to certain rules and expectations is a necessity.

So what makes us different from one another? What separates us from each other? How are we different if we're so much alike? The difference is not as much in your beliefs as you may think. Rather, it is in your actions. You may believe in noble things and prescribe to lofty ideals, but it is not in your words that you show your true colors, but rather in the things that you do.

Many are those who sit on the sidelines and yell with raised voices at those taking part, but few are those who have the courage to stand up and play an active role. To do such a thing is to take a risk, and to take a risk is to take a chance that you might be hurt or worse. Fear stops you from letting go. Fear stops you from trying. Fear stops you from breaking free of the things with which you are familiar. And though it is easy to sit and preach to others, it's not so simple to apply that wisdom to your own life.

I hear of the dreams of many people. I hear of their aspirations, their hopes, their ideals, and then I listen as they speak of the difficulty in reaching them. Before you lament on the impossibility of your dream, think of who or what it is that is stopping you from reaching it. The only thing stopping you is fear.

Of course the road is hard.
Of course there will be pain.
Of course there will be times when you want to quit.
Of course you will be beaten down by cruel fate time and time again.
Of course you will meet disappointment and cruelty.

To expect that any road worth traveling will be without these things is to have unrealistic expectations of life. And even if you try your hardest to avoid these things, they will find you anyway. You cannot live in fear of the negative while expecting to gain the positive. You cannot allow the negative to paralyze you.

That is the real difference between all people.

It's not our hopes or ambitions, our inner feelings and desires, or any other such thing that makes us who we are. Many of us share these things with one another. Rather, it is our willingness to face life. Our willingness to move forwards. Our desire not to settle where we are, but rather to keep moving onwards.

Some are content to stay in one place. They strive for a house, a car, a family, and a comfortable life, and that is enough for them.

But I cannot settle. I must keep moving. I push onwards, despite the obstacles, despite the hardship, despite the negatives which threaten to drag me down. I may move slowly, but never doubt that I am in fact moving.

Some people dislike my pace. They encourage me to rush, but that is simply not who I am. If you run too quickly, you will exhaust yourself and be forced to rest. And the danger in resting too long is falling victim to complacency. I see many such people. I meet them every day.

And I suppose it would be fine, if I thought most of them were happy, but the unfortunate truth is that they are anything but. I suppose the irony is that I am having the most difficult time I have ever had in my life, but I can't remember ever being happier because I know I am where I want to be.

What separates us all from one another is not in who we are inside, but rather in how we express that outwardly to the world. What determines your fate in this world is not the nobility of your ideals, but the reality of your actions.

We all want happiness.

The difference is that some of us are willing to take the risk in gaining it, no matter what life might throw at us if we try. And it is not that I am without fear, but rather that I overcome the fear because my greater fear is reaching the end of my life with the realization that it has been wasted. When my time finally comes to pass onwards, I wish to know the satisfaction of looking back with no regrets, knowing that I did everything in my power to reach for my dreams. I want to be able to say to myself that I had tried my best, worked my hardest, and done everything I could.

The difference between us is not what is within our hearts, but in how we realize those dreams.

The unfortunate truth is that many of us place too much faith in words, not realizing that words only have meaning if they are supported by actions. Words alone mean nothing, and yet we continue to believe firmly in them. In fact, words are so powerful that they can often blind people to the very truths they have realized through a person's actions.

It is never through a person's words that you will see the true value of who they are, but rather through their actions and what they do.

That is the difference that separates us from each other.

Reflect carefully upon your own actions and what they say, rather than on just the words you speak. A true friend will also see you based upon your actions, and not solely on your melodic words.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

You could probably debate the validity over the statement that you already have the first two (life and liberty), but let us assume for the moment that you are indeed alive and that living here in the world has granted you at least some modicum of liberty, however limited or restricted you may perceive it to be. Most of us are not so much concerned over those two throughout the course of our lives. Rather, we become most concerned and dedicated with finding that final one: happiness. It is that ever elusive and often fleeting emotion which gently passes across us at times, teasing us with a brief glimpse, a small taste of what it has to offer before flying off into the distance once more. In a world filled with materialistic concerns, often many believe that money will bring happiness, and deceptively so. If you are incapable of being happy now, no amount of money will ever ease your suffering enough to bring you lasting happiness. It is not something that is found in owning things, in toys, in having all the wealth and status you covet and desire, because those things only bring temporary gratification and you will find that the other emotions that plagued you when you didn't have money are still there.

Happiness is found within yourself and can only be reached through your own power and effort. If you can be happy with yourself and your life as it exists now, you can be happy with your life no matter how much or how little you have to live with. If you own a computer to read my entry with, congratulations... you are amongst some of the wealthiest people in the world and probably live a fairly comfortable life. Think for a moment on those who live in poverty, in conditions we might consider uncivilized, in a life we would likely never voluntarily choose for ourselves, who still manage to find some happiness in their lives without all of the luxuries we are afforded and then ask yourself what the true nature of happiness really is. Being happy, truly happy and satisfied, cannot be bought, purchased, or ever found in any place that exists outside of you, but is rather a state of peace and harmony that is created within you. Once you have found that place within yourself, no amount of hardship or suffering or loss of material wealth or fall of status can ever steal it from you, because it will always be right where you left it.

I took this quiz courtesy of a link provided by enigmatic_muse. It's the first quiz I've taken in years, and I admit I was really curious as to what result I'd get. So there you go. I'm midas. Woot. I've always believed in using my powers for good, not evil. You know, like Spider-Man.  But in all seriousness, I've always believed that you reap what you sow. If you do good things, you reap the benefits of those good deeds later on down the road. Being good is its own reward and all that. Karma. Etc. I think my other entry on this concept might still be on the first or second page of my blog, so I see no need to revisit the topic.

I was reading my subscriptions when I came across a great entry by enigmatic_muse about  love
that put it more eloquently and concisely than all and any of my
attempts to write about the same subject. So if you're interested in
such topics, I would suggest it as recommended reading, because
although some of my entries on love attempted to resolve all of my
various theories into one cohesive entry, this one does it far better.

You can find the entry here.

Thanks to everyone who left encouraging comments on my previous entry.
My friends and family decided to perform an intervention on my behalf
and essentially kick my ass back out into the arena of life, so to
speak. The last couple years I've been mostly in what I call hermit mode
(coined by one of the people I subscribe to, though I don't recall
who), having retreated from life and the world at large. But now I'm
ready to re-enter life again, and go out and do all the things I've
been wanting and meaning to do.

Thanks to everyone outside of the people I met this weekend who helped me. You know who you are.

So I had dinner with my sister and a mutual friend of ours whom I
respect a lot, and while discussing all the various goings on in my
life right now, we came to a few conclusions which I agree with:

1. The past is the past, get over it. Move on.
2. You're going to keep getting hurt in the future no matter what you do. Don't let your fear stop you from trying anyway.
3. I have to start taking my damn medication. It's unfortunate, but
   we all came the mutual conclusion that the benefits are too great to
   ignore any longer, especially given how crippled I am in certain
   situations without it. This was one of the harder things for me to
   accept.
4. I need to pull myself out of the limbo I've put myself into and just live.

So that's the basics in a nutshell. That last gigantic drama bombshell
I went through a few years ago apparently hurt me so badly, I just
withdrew from the world for a while and didn't even really think about
it enough to realize what I was doing. So that's one chapter of my life
that's now over. On to the next chapter.

I've always maintained that honesty is the cornerstone of any type of relationship, be it with your family, your friends, your coworkers, or romantic interests. Without honesty there can be no trust, and if there is no trust you have nothing else to build any kind of worthwhile foundation upon. Upon trust is built a number of other positive emotions which we take for granted, and should that trust crumble, so will everything else built upon it.

Fidelity and faith depend upon trust. Faith in someone or something requires that you believe in the absence of concrete proof. I have no proof that my family will be there for me in my time of greatest need, but I have faith that they will because I trust them. My parents have no proof that they will each maintain their vows of fidelity to each other, but their trust in one another insures that they don't need a private investigator or some form of constant surveillance to make certain their promises are being kept. If I trust you, I believe that what you're telling me is the truth, and I don't question it, nor have any need to. Once that trust dissolves, it throws everything into question. If someone is capable of lying about something, especially the large and important things, then how can you be sure that anything they say is true or not? Being honest is what solidifies and maintains trust. Honesty insures that they will never have reason to doubt your word, and as such will never question your trustworthiness. If you build and maintain such a strong foundation, then nothing will ever shake or compromise it, because upon that honesty is built trust, and upon that trust is built faith. No matter what forces push and pull upon it, it will not break, shatter, or crumble. But if you build a foundation upon lies and deceit, then any kind of force or opposition could threaten to easily cause everything built upon it to collapse and topple. If you can't trust someone to tell the truth about even small things, why would you trust them with more important things like your dreams? Your emotions? Your ambitions? Your family? Your heart? Dishonesty breeds distrust and distrust leads to a host of other negative emotions, just as trust is the gateway to a number of other positive ones. Don't let something as simple and easy as honesty become the major barrier in obtaining the things you seek out of life.

I can always find someone
to say they sympathize.
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve.
But I don't want some pretty face
to tell me pretty lies.
All I want is someone to believe.

Honesty is such a lonely word.
Everyone is so untrue.
Honesty is hardly ever heard.
And mostly what I need from you.

-Honesty by Billy Joel

I've had ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) my entire life, and it's the only way that I've ever known how to think or see the world. My case, apparently, is particularly severe. I have difficulty focusing or sitting still for any length of time, which has been the bane of my existance for as long as I can remember. But I cope as best I can. My biggest qualm, though, is trying to explain. No matter how much you explain, no matter how much you try to make someone else understand, they don't really know what it's like, because they haven't lived it. They can't truly sympathize because they don't know what you go through.

I had a very intense discussion today with my sister about my life and the direction I'm taking. She made sure to make special note of the fact that I'm still single. "It's not normal, Alex. You're a great guy, charming, intelligent, social, you should've found someone by now." Many people take for granted their ability to consistently focus on things, but the most important situation you may need it is for interacting with other people. There are subtle things, body language, verbal cues, movements and such that you need to focus on in order to notice, and the inability to consistently focus is a very large handicap in that respect. I tend to come off sometimes as unresponsive, cold, and detatched (or so I'm told). This is not on purpose, I just miss things that other people wouldn't. Cues, signs, movements. I see some of them, but not all. I get distracted easily, my mind wanders like Curious George, drifting to all manner of other random thoughts. It's something I can't help. I was diagnosed as an adult, and as such I never had the benefit of a pill that normalized me or helped me focus. As a result, I'm reluctant to take my medication. It makes me feel different, I act different, my entire mind works differently when I'm on it. It's almost like I'm a different person. Should I have to take a pill to be "normal"? It's suggested that taking my medication will benefit me greatly in social situations. I wonder, though, if it's wrong to want to just be myself, to try and cope without it. I've lived this long without it, why not longer? Still, the drawbacks seem tremendous. I wonder sometimes how different my life would be if I had been diagnosed as a child instead of as an adult. I don't want to have to depend on a pill for the rest of my life, but at the same time, maybe I should be less reluctant to take something that benefits me.

Ok, so the fact that the shooter at Virginia Tech was Asian, or more specifically South Korean, has kicked up a lot of dust lately. There have been many blog entries floating about regarding questions about racism, his motivations, and other such topics of interest, and if you have a particular desire to read on those topics, feel free to visit some of the people I subscribe to, many of whom have very eloquently written their opinions on the matter. The question that comes up in my mind, though, is how much is race a part of our identity? There's no denying that many of us are unable to escape our racial heritage. Mine is painted all over my face, and by merely being able to see it, you will immediately know that I am Asian without even a second glance. But how much does it define me and my existance? How much does it dictate who I am and what I do? Should Cho be judged, even partially, on the fact that he's Korean-American?

Who am I?

My parents are both from South Korea, but met here in the US, or more specifically in New York City. Both my sister and I were born in Flushing Hospital, in Queens and are American citizens by birth, able to vote, own a gun, and even run for President. Though we speak some Korean, English is our primary and most comfortable language. This largely classifies us as Korean-American, because we are of obvious Korean heritage, but were born and raised in the United States. Our childhoods were obviously heavily influence by American culture, media, and education. If our parents had been European, then most people wouldn't even question our American-ness and would simply assume we were like any other Americans, but because our race is written so obviously on our features, many times we're treated as foreigners and outsiders, despite having been born and raised here. So by choice or by force, we do not really fit the popularized notion of what an average American is.

How much of me is American?

This is not really a fair question. America is, after all, the supposed melting pot of the world, where people of all races, colors, ethnicities, and religions come together. In that sense, you could say that I'm 100% American. But I don't think most people would consider me as such, no matter how much I claimed the contrary. "You're not American, you're Korean." There are those who consider Asians to be a seperate category, belonging exclusively to their nation of heritage regardless of how many generations they may have been here. There are some Asian-Americans who have been here more generations than a lot of European immigrants, but are still less accepted as American than people who have been living here less than one generation compared to their three, four, or five generation history here. So how much of me is American? In the truest, purest sense of the word that people like to apply to most people, I am 100% American. But often, I find that I am not treated or looked upon as such because of my race. Is it fair? Nope. Not in the least. If you were to strip away everything that makes me American from my personality, I would definately not be the same person, so it is an essential part of who I am.

How much of me is Korean?

The idea of being Korean doesn't really work in the same way as being American. The fact that you were born in Korea does not necessarily make you Korean, because the notion of being a Korean person is tied to more than just being born in Korea, living there, and being acclimated with the culture, just like being Italian, Irish, or Polish means a lot more than just being born and living in those countries. There is a cultural identity tied to being Korean, one which I must accept to some degree if I wish to acknowledge my heritage. Ideally, I would say that all of me is Korean, because both of my parents are Korean, I was raised in a Korean household with Korean values, and I identify a lot with many aspects of being Korean in much the same way my parents do. If you were to strip away from my personality everything that makes me Korean, you'd have a completely different person than who I am today, and so for this reason, it is an essential part of who I am. Would I be considered Korean in South Korea? That's a bit of a complicated question, but essentially the answer is more or less yes. If your parents are Korean, that basically makes you automatically Korean. Whether you're able to adapt to the heavy cultural differences and gain social acceptance, however, is another matter entirely.

Does your cultural identity dictate your actions?

The simplest answer to this is no. Regardless of what you may believe about culture and race as it ties to personal identity, we are all ultimately free to make our own choices. You, as an individual, are empowered as a human being to do whatever the hell you want. No one can ever force you against your will to do something if you truly do not wish to do it. There may be consequences of making such a decision, but it is still your choice to make. Rather than blaming others, blaming video games, blaming laws, blaming handguns, blaming government, and whoever else is available to point the finger at, perhaps it's time we own the choices we make. Is it Cho's fault he shot those people? Absolutely. Is it his parents fault? His cultural identity that forced it on him? Are we predisposed to violence? That's a completely rediculous series of questions. No matter what his parents did to him, they did not pull the trigger. The entirety of Korean history and culture did not suddenly stand up and dictate his actions to him. He decided on his own to take those actions. Despite what anyone else leads you to believe, we are not drones, robots, or automatons. We are each of us free to make our own decisions and live our life the way we choose, however we choose to do it. If I want to completely forsake my heritage tomorrow, I can. If I suddenly decide to drive my car off a steep cliff, I can do that too. It wouldn't be very smart, but if I was serious about it, really, who could stop me? And if a serious discussion erupted as to how to stop people from driving cars off of cliffs in the future and whether or not Koreans were predisposed to driving cars off of cliffs, would anyone take that seriously? Regardless of your heritage, your cultural identity, your ethnicity, religion, or heritage, we are all of us human beings and we are all free to do what we want. Take responsibility for the freedom which is granted you and own up for the choices you make. Despite what others may have you believe, no one else can force your hand. The only person with the power to act in your life is you.

"Ever mind the Rule of Three, three times what thou givest returns to thee, this lesson well, thou must learn, thee only gets what thou dost earn."

In some forms of Wiccan practice there is a rule known as the Rule of Three (see above quote). Essentially the rule states that whatever you create in the world (good/evil, joy/suffering, happiness/sorrow), will be returned to you threefold. So if you could measure happiness in cups, that means for every one cup of happiness you put out into the world, you'd get back three cups of happiness. Or you can think of it in terms of investments (for you economics people), that you'd get three dollars for every one dollar invested. I'm not very savvy about investing, but that sounds like a pretty great return. This concept, however, works both ways, for both the negative and the positive. If you create negative energy, then you will get negative energy back. If you spread hatred, anger, suffering, pain, intolerance, sadness, revenge, or any number of other negatives, it will all come back to you some day, perhaps not exactly in the same form, and not exactly in the same way, but rather likely disguised as something else.

We are all connected in this world of ours on a level far beyond our perception. What seems to affect only one or a few of us often has ripples that extend much farther than we realize and are capable of seeing. The energy we send is unique to each of us as individuals, and as it is sent out, it collects a little bit more from each person it touches, traveling across from person to person, life to life, experience to experience, collecting more as it goes until, like a migrating bird, it returns back home where it belongs with all the extra energy it has collected from its travels. If we have been harboring positive experiences, positive emotions, trying to spread compassion, kindness, giving, and understanding, then perhaps we can look forward to that day. But if we have been creating negative energy, creating negative experiences and situations, spreading anger, pain, and sadness to those around us, then maybe we might spend many a sleepless night worrying about the day all of that energy we sent out will come back... fearful of how massive it may have grown in its travels, and what form it may take once it reaches us.

There are similar notions to this across many of our planet's cultures and religions: karma, the golden rule, and any number of Christian and biblical references, among others, but you have to think that such a universal concept must exist for a reason. No one wants to live surrounded by dark emotions, a prisoner of fear, chained and bound by all of the negativity we have created around ourselves. The power to break that cycle lies with you and you alone. Only you control the course of your own life and destiny. What path will you choose to walk?