I've noticed a lot of people don't quite understand what I mean when I complain about the atmosphere and attitude that permeates this area. Now before I begin, let me say that I love New York. I was born in New York and I will always consider this area my home. What I describe in the following is just why I personally don't want to live here anymore. It's a bit of a rant. You've been warned.

Over a decade ago when I was merely a young teenage lad, I was working in the express lane at the local supermarket one day, checking out customers as usual. Mostly the people who frequent the express lane are men. I'm not sure why this is, nor did I care to analyze it, but in my six person long line of customers at my register, there was a lone female amongst the otherwise male dominated line waiting for me to ring up her apple and spring water, which was presumably her lunch. She was the very next person in line, when suddenly she got angry, said a few choice expletives, and stated aloud how she was tired of "this" (whatever "this" was) and walked off in a huff, leaving her apple and water sitting there abandoned. The rest of us just looked puzzled for a moment before we went back to what we were doing. She was next in line and had she waited literally a few more seconds, I would've been done checking out the man in front of her and she could've had her apple and water.

I describe this incident to illustrate a point. There are some people who are so impatient, have such a high sense of self-importance, and are so amazingly uptight that they want everything now. Not in a few seconds, not in a few minutes, and especially not in a few hours, days, or god forbid weeks, but right now, right this second. They hate waiting for anything, and believe that whatever it is they need or are doing is far more important than what anyone else is there to do. Some will go as far as to undermine other people, cheat, lie, and otherwise weasel their way into getting what they want faster. Most are just plain rude. Now I don't deny that these kinds of people inhabit every corner of our country. That's the wonderous diversity of our country, that you can find all kinds of people pretty much everywhere you go. Do these kinds of people live in California? Yes, of course they do. To presume otherwise is somewhat of a rediculous notion. I have no illusions of what SoCal is like, nor do I believe it's a magic answer, a magic pill, or a fairytale land at the end of the rainbow filled with golden paved roads and mystical fairies.

Ask anyone who has lived here for a year or longer or anyone who has grown up here and visited other parts of the country, though, and they'll tell you that over here everyone is like that. Not some people, not a good number of people, not even a lot of people or most people, but an overwhelming majority of people. There is the ever present attitude here that it's impossible to get anything done unless you have that kind of aggressiveness built into you. Every moment of every day, from the second I wake up to the moment my head hits the pillow I have to deal with such people in my normal day to day dealings, doing even the most mundane tasks. There's nothing worse than dealing with people who constantly glorify their trivialities on a regular basis in order to get what they want faster and at the expense of other people, who by the way have as much right to it as they do. I'm sorry, but you're here to get coffee and a morning paper, not on an epic quest to save the world via caffiene and your passing interest in professional sports. They act as if somehow the fate of the world hangs on the balance of everything they do, as if they are entitled to get things above other people. They are needlessly rude and impatient, pushy, loud, quick to anger, and dangerous. They are never satisfied, no matter what lengths you go to try and be courteous, kind, and civilized. It would tolerable, if they weren't everywhere you turned.

I am not this kind of person. I hate being pushed and I dislike being rushed. I do things at my own pace, and I have no illusions of being more important or more significant than other people, or that somehow me getting what I want as fast as possible is far more important than anyone else also there waiting. I just want to tell these people sometimes to chill out, calm down, and slow down a bit. All of this rushing, where are you all rushing to? Why are you always in such a hurry? To go where? To do what? And if you really sit there and think about it, it's completely rediculous to be stressing out yourself and everyone around you trying to rush rush rush everything all the time to achieve fairly simplistic, everyday goals that we all must deal with regularly. Living here has become a strain, an unnecessary burden. The atmosphere, the attitude, the pace of life, I don't favor it as much anymore. I think the price to live here, not just in cost of living, but on your nerves and on your peace of mind, is just too high.

I became even more aware of this when my cousin David (asdfkim) and I went on a week long road trip across the southwestern United States, through five (or maybe six) different states, seeing all different kinds of people, places, and styles of living. It was then that I realized that there's so much more out there than what I know, so much more to see and experience than some stupid notion of rushing and stressing over boring day to day tasks. It was then that I realized that even though I grew up here, it was no longer where I belonged. Before I die, there's so much I want to do, so much that I want to see and experience... and I want to start in a place where I feel more at ease (which is not here). Some people want to settle down, have a family, a car, a nice job, and maybe that's ok for them. I say more power to them if they're happy with that. That's not what I want right now, though. I'm not ready to settle down. I'm not ready to take root and start a stable, predictable life. And I know it's taking me a while to get started and take my first step, but I want to make sure I'm ready before I embark.

So Alex, what the hell is going on in your life right now?

Well, I'm glad you asked. I know I write a lot of entries about inspirational topics and lessons I feel I've learned, but today's topic is all about something I don't often address on my own blog: me! (The irony.) I've numbered and titled the following list so that you can skim directly to the one about my life right now that most interests you. Heh. Well, actually I did it more to help me organize my thoughts, but you can all benefit from it too.

1. Dude, when are you going California? - Ok, so I've been almost moving to California for ... like a year now. I admit, I'm slow to do things. I tend to analyze and over analyze and over think major decisions before I make them. (Alright, minor ones too. Call it my fatal flaw. You'll note one of the blogrings I'm in is I think I think too much.) But let there be no doubt in your mind that it is going to happen. The decision has already been made. The die has been cast, and it's simply a matter of time and financial resources. Is it really necessary to get my financial situation in order before I go? No. But it's what I want and how I feel comfortable doing it and no one is going to convince me otherwise. I well aware of my flaws, and I'm planning ahead to avert likely disaster. Trust me, it's for the best in the long run. I know what I'm capable of when it comes to money.
2. So, um, why are you going to Cali again? - I like it there. I like the atmosphere, the environment, the people, the vibe, the pace of life, just everything suits me and my personality much better. I have relatives who live there and ever since I was in elementary school, I would go out there for the summer every few years. I've always believed that it was a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there and I always imagined I would settle down and live here on the east coast, but all that changed the last few times I went. I don't know why, maybe because I've changed as a person, maybe because I've grown and adapted... or maybe I'm an insane wacko. But every time I visit there lately, I become increasingly aware of how much less I enjoy it here. It's crowded, everyone's in such a rush, and people are so damn rude unnecessarily. Everything moves quickly, everyone is in a hurry to get somewhere no matter how unimportant it is. I dislike the pace of life. I dislike how I close and cramped everything is. Don't get me wrong, I love New York with all its flaws and this area will always be home to me, but it's time I move on, go where I feel right.
3. Video Games, Comicbooks, TV, and Anime - There was a time once when I swore I would never get tired of video games; when I honestly believed that I would be playing them until the day I died. Well, never has finally arrived. I haven't really picked up a controller in earnest in months. I bought new games I was excited about getting, but I played a few minutes of it and I just couldn't keep going. Even some of my favorite games that I never would get tired of playing... I just can't play them. I've lost interest. My comics sit and collect dust. My relatively new XBox360 is just a glorified DVD player these days. I have literally a whole weekend viewing's worth of anime that I have yet to crack open for the first time and I haven't sat through a real tv show in years. My passion for these things have faded. Not sure why. I don't usually question why I do or don't like something. So yeah, all the time I'm spending on my PC lately hasn't been gaming. To be honest, I think I might retire from gaming altogether.
4. Writing - Writing is my passion. I don't profess to do it amazingly well, but I try. Art, well, I'm decent at art. I do have some talent, but I'm not an amazing artist by any means. When I thought about it, I realized that although I'm a visual person, my interest is not in creating art, it's in telling stories. I don't much like writing papers or long articles full of opinionated prose (which I've been told I'm good at). I much prefer writing stories that move people. So yeah, that's what I've been doing lately. Honestly, most of it is crap and no one will probably ever read it. (So don't ask to read it. ) But I like doing it and maybe if something good eventually does come out of it, then great. So if you notice I'm a rabid commenter, it's because I xanga inbetween writing and I need a break or I'm bored or stuck on something. Lately xanga has been how I entertain/amuse myself. And I know a lot of my readers enjoy my little musings, for better or worse, so I try to get something out there once a day for everyone to digest. I know it's nothing earth shattering or controversial most of the time, but I guess I'm catering to the expectations of my readers. 
5. Cinema - On the list of things I ever imagined myself doing, movies was never anywhere on there at any point in my life, however after having taken a few cinema classes during my time at SVA (The School of Visual Arts) I've found that my interest in it has grown. I'm not sure where this will lead me and to be honest, I'm sure if you handed me a camera and told me to make a movie, it would be terrible and uninteresting, but I like the notion of visual storytelling that cinema represents and it is one of the most prominent visual storytelling mediums. I saw Clerks II yesterday and watching Kevin Smith go through the whole process of making it (on the bonus disc) fills me with a desire to go out and bring some of my stories to life in film. Granted, most of what I've written so far isn't all that compelling, but it's something I've been mulling over lately. Do I fancy myself a filmmaker? Meh, I dunno. I'm not the kind of person to say "I love doing this, this is what I definately want to be!" because who knows, maybe I won't like it, or maybe I'll change my mind. But I have watched a rediculous amount of movies lately. If ya'll have any suggestions for good movies I should watch, I'm all ears.

I guess that's it in a nutshell. Aren't you glad you read this far?

Relationships, marriage, parenthood, friendship, love. Somehow in the course of our development in this world, it seems many people have come to see some (or all) of these as answers to their problems, as a kind of magic pill like the one Neo took in The Matrix that will lift the veil and reveal to them the truth. The reality, however, is that none of these will provide you answers to anything, because they are responsibilities. Each of these carries with it a burden that you willingly take upon yourself by choosing to enter into it.

re·spon·si·ble  

As a parent, you are accountable for the raising and wellbeing of your children. As a partner in marriage, you are responsible for the wellbeing of your spouse and maintaining of a healthy partnership through the course of your shared life. As a friend (platonic or romantic) you are responsible for your actions toward and regarding your friend, as well as trying to keep a healthy relationship between the two of you if such a thing continues to remain desirable and feasible. These are all things that require work, effort, thinking, and commitment on the part of all people involved. Any problems you may have, any burdens you may shoulder, any demons you may carry within you will affect these other responsibilities you have, so if you choose to take them on before you're ready, you may quickly find that rather than being an answer, they have merely added to your list of burdens you unwillingly carry. Rather than provide any kind of magic answer you were hoping for, they weigh you down and make it even more difficult to deal with your own personal issues because you now have more than just yourself to worry about, you have other lives that depend on yours. That is why you will see it repeated over and over again, that you should deal with all of your personal demons and problems before you enter into any of these kinds of relationships because they will not provide you anything new that you aren't already bringing into it. If you come bearing the weight of many problems and issues plaguing you, then problems and issues are exactly what you'll get in return.

It's like a job. Imagine for a moment, you're already working on a major project at work that directly benefits you and might even lead to a promotion. You want to focus entirely on this, because it's important to you, but somewhere in the middle of it, you tell you coworker you'll help him on his project too. On top of that, you start the beginnings of a brand new longterm project as well. Now instead of being able to focus on just one project, your attention is divided between three. "But I thought taking on these additional tasks would help me find the answer to completing my first one!" Anyone sensible would think you mad for following such a string of logic, and yet people all across our nation (and increasingly, the world) follow this line of thinking every day. Think before you start to take on too many responsibilities you may not be ready for. Your first priority should be to finish the project you started with: yourself. Once you've squared that away enough that you're happy with it, then you can take on others, but don't take them on with the expectation that you'll find answers. The only answers that'll help you finish your first project come from within.

angy4881 made a very good post on perversion. (Before you say anything, it's not about nudity or unusual/obscene sexual acts.) I'll give you a small snippet of the first paragraph and then give you a link to the actual blog entry so you can read the entire thing. Without further ado:

Perversion. This is a word not heard much in today’s world. The verb to pervert literally means “to lead astray” or “to misdirect,” and perversion usually is used in the moral sense to refer to something that leads a person away from what is good or right. But I will be using the word in the psychological sense of something that leads a person away from a psychological goal.

As an example, consider the nature of alcohol abuse. Psychologically speaking, alcoholics drink in order to avoid the pain of facing up to and making amends for all the times they have failed to take responsibility for their lives. Hence the abuse of alcohol can be called a perversion because it leads a person away from the true aim of dealing with the guilt into a drunken state of illusory well-being.

To be clever, we could say, then, that the point of a perversion
is to always miss the point.

To read the rest: http://www.xanga.com/angy4881/588618756/item.html This is highly recommended reading if you're into reading any of the style blog entries I usually write. (Just a preemptive warning, she has a very loud song embedded into her site with no way I could find of turning it off. So you might want to turn your volume down first if you're at work or something.)

Oh my god, a new entry that's not recycled! Ok, so for the past week I admit I've been lazy and yanking up old entries and reusing them. But I swear, this one is brand new.  So I was payed a visit by ms_skeptic and whilst browsing her site I came across a quote that particularly struck me:

try as i might... to erase those painful... painful memories of these people, who were cruel with my heart. who abused my body, tore my spirit apart... i still can't hate them. i want to hate them. to wish ill on them. to wish karma to come tumbling down on their heads 3fold. i can't. even though i feel as though they deserve it for doing those things to me... for stunting me. for changing me... i can't.

when did i become this person?
this jaded piece of flesh...
throwing back quirky quips
to avoid the issue at hand... reality.

i've come to realize that although those moments don't define me, they make me who i am... i haven't lost all faith in men, humanity, and well.... love. it's just a little harder for me to trust... but not to love. love is easy... trust is a bit harder. i want to feel absolved of all the things i've endured... feel free to just be. so i will.

It's hard sometimes getting over what's happened to you in the past, but reading all of what everyone else goes through, what other people endure, the trials and experiences of other bloggers whose experiences so closely mirror my own, I can't help but be forced to consider that perhaps it has affected my thinking too much. Perhaps I don't trust as much as I once did because I was hurt too often, too deeply by all the wrong people. And perhaps I should just get over and go back to being myself. Maybe not as recklessly trusting in other people as I once was, but at least a bit more than I am now. Hm. That's something for me to work on. Right now my mind is a big muddled mess of haphazard thoughts and I can't focus enough to write anything more coherant or eloquent than that. But yeah, that's what's going through my mind amongst other things. My primary focus right now is trying to get my financial affairs in order so I can move across to the opposite side of the country without undo financial burden, but I would like to get all my personal and emotional affairs in order too before I go. Get all my thoughts and feelings sorted out in my head and get myself back into a more normal state of being.

"Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent."
-Calvin Coolidge

I remember the first time I read this quote, how wowed I was by it because it rang so true. In my travels through life, I've met many people with exceptional qualities, exceptional personalities, and exceptional talents, doing things with their lives that don't utilize or take advantage of those gifts at all. I remember stories they tell me of their hopes and dreams, but how life just isn't allowing them the chance to follow them. I remember the feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, in hearing that they believe it's over for them. And they all tell me the same thing: "Alex, don't end up like me. Don't get stuck like I have." Hearing it once is powerful enough, but to hear it over and over and over again just completely blows your mind.

This is why I will never give up on hope on my dreams or on my beliefs. Though I stumble and falter at times, I have many, many things I want to accomplish in my limited time here on this world and I won't allow myself to fail or fall into a rut for the rest of my life. The only thing that separates people that succeed from people that fail is persistence. The people who succeed were able to pick themselves up and try again after they failed, again and again and again, as many times as it took until it happened. Why settle for a degree or education you're unhappy with just to get school over with? I've been a part of the 'regular work force', taking in a regular pay check, doing a regular job. Let me tell you that it doesn't matter how much money you make, it still sucks just as bad making six figures as it does making a lower-middle class wage if you're not doing what you love. So before you rush out there eager to become an adult, think on that for a while. Having a normal job in a field you don't enjoy is just like going to school every day and taking those required classes you hate to take, except you get paid for it. If you know life is going to force you down this road, at least pick something you love doing and wouldn't mind doing five days a week, 52 weeks a year for the rest of your life.

Too many students I talk to don't realize the full impact that the decisions they make now will have on the rest of their lives. The choices you make now, the views on life you take now, the decisions you make about the world around you and the beliefs you start to solidify in your mind now will likely stick with you the rest of your days, unless you undergo some kind of dramatic life-altering experience later. (My father did, so I can't say it won't happen, but from what I understand it tends to be more rare than not.) Take some time over this summer to really think about what you want from life, and evaluate if your current beliefs, views, and direction will help you get there. Try to think of what will make you honestly and truly happy, and not just about what you're willing to settle for. But most of all, don't give up until you have exactly what you want. If you fall, pick yourself back up again and keep going. If you falter or stumble, just keep moving forwards. Rest if you have to, but keep trying. You'll never know what could have been unless you try to make it happen today.

Carpe Diem.

In my selfish thoughts about my own wants and desires, for a moment, I became too blind to notice all the struggles people around me were trying to cope with. And I am reminded of how fortunate I am.

Everyone reaches a point in their life when everything seems to be going awry. Your world is crumbling around you, or you feel lonely and alone despite the fact that you know you have friends and family standing behind you. There are times when you feel like you can no longer stand up on your own two feet, when the walls are closing in around you, when you just want to give up and throw in the towel. You're questioning things, maybe everything you know, and God, or whatever greater power you believe in, offers you no solution or reply.

It's easy to stand on your own two feet when things are going well. It's easy to say you're independent, strong, and motivated when everything is right. It's when things are at their worst that your true strength is tested. When you're faced with demons you can't seem to shake, problems you can't seem to solve, or questions with no answers, you will not find the solution in other people, from the television, from a book, or even yelling up at the sky. It's at these times that you must draw upon that strength and confidence that came so easily when things were going well. It's not so simple to do it anymore when the skies are dark and looming, but never doubt that it's still there, untainted, still sparkling within your soul, waiting for you to call it forth.

No one else will do it for you.

No one else will force you to get back up again.

No one else can brighten your skies as long as you wish them to remain dark and forboding.

No one else can repair your broken wings.

No one else will make you find the courage to try to fly again.

You must find the strength in yourself to do it for yourself, for your own reasons, for your own purposes, for your own self and future. Not because of your parents, your family, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your so-called true love, or any other person or thing which exists outside of yourself.

Only once you find that strength within, will you find any answers beyond the boundaries of what defines you.

(Originally posted July 19, 2004)

It's a normal weekday, like any other, and you sit in front of your computer catching up on all the usual sites you visit. It's dark outside, from the rain clouds looming overhead and you can hear the sound of the droplets hitting your window pane. Almost instinctively, you turn on your favorite music to drown it out, or perhaps to provide accompaniment. You stumble across someone's random Xanga entry that makes you pause and think, and then suddenly the wrong song comes up on random play, as if the music had a mind of its own.

Thoughts of your life and your past flood your mind, as you're suddenly forced to  become introspective. Questions overwhelm you about who you are, where you've come to, and where you're going. Worst of all, you've become painfully aware once more of that hollow, empty feeling lurking somewhere deep in the shadows of your soul, hidden from view, buried where no one can find it. It's always there, though, always struggling to remind you of its presence and right now you'd like nothing more than to forget all about it. You turn to your usual escape...

Shopping? Perhaps you adore designer labels and the latest fashions. Fast cars with sleek bodykits, large rims, and turbocharged engines. Your favorite past-time of smoking, to forget all of your worries in a cloud of blissful, hazy fog that obscures and dulls your senses. Drinking. Video games. Hot boys. Beautiful girls. Wild clubs. Watching movies. Talking on the phone with whoever is willing to listen. Reading Xanga entries.

It helps for a little while, but the feeling inevitably comes back. Sometimes the same day, sometimes not for weeks or months. Perhaps the answer is love? If you find the perfect person, the person meant for you, your one true love, then maybe it will finally vanish for good. Maybe, just maybe, if you find that person, your missing half,. then you'll be whole again. Maybe the feeling is only there because you're half of an incomplete puzzle, searching for the other half to finally be able to form a recognizable, complete image. Maybe once you finally find your handsome prince or beautiful princess, the emptiness will disappear. After that, it's only natural everything else will fall into place, right?

This is the answer we would be led to believe is the truth, because it continuously fuels our need to fill that emptiness with other things, and ultimately, fuels our need to spend money on the things which temporarily sate our desperately unquenchable thirst for fulfillment. We are afraid: afraid of being alone, afraid that the emptiness will never go away, afraid of so many different things we'll never admit to anyone else, no matter how deeply or completely we may trust them.

The truth is an elusive thing that always seems to be just beyond our grasp. Like a thief fleeing through a large city, we make chase after him, hoping that once we capture him, he'll finally give us what we long for. What many of us don't realize is that the answer is right there in front of us, where it has always been. The answer lies within yourself.

No other person, object, or material item will ever give you a magical answer. And your Prince Charming or Princess Aurora won't have a magical plug to seal up that hole. When things seem to be their worst, when you're depressed and lonely beyond consoling, when you're on your knees screaming hateful things at your God for what he's done to you, there is no magical answer that will fall from the heavens for you.

Some way, some how, you must find the power within yourself to stand back up again. That strength has and always will reside in the one place you don't want to look: within yourself. And it's not easy, because looking inside yourself also means confronting all of those other things lurking in the dark corners of your soul, but it's the only way you'll ever find the answers you want, the strength you're searching for, and that shimmering, sparkling light you keep hoping will emerge.

All of those other things are just distractions.

And if there's anyone who knows all about distractions, it's me.

(Originally posted July 20, 2004)

Fate. We are all of us occasionally the victim of the notion that somehow we are at the mercy of some invisible force known as fate, that divine power that compels the universe to unfold as it should, as it has already been determined by some cosmic order beyond our scope of understanding. How many times in your life have you believed that things have happened to you because of fate, because it was simply meant to be and no amount of anything could have ever prevented it? It is true that there are some things which are outside of our control, which cannot be helped or stopped. If a friend of mine suddenly is overcome by an ailment and hospitalized, that's something outside my control; an event I could never have stopped or known was coming, which is of course just how life is sometimes. The danger, however, comes when we begin to feel that the course and direction of our own life is due to fate.

You destiny (not to be confused with your fate) is in no one's hands but your own. Though it's tempting to believe that your future is pre-written, it is not any cosmic entity or divine being who controls your actions, it is you. Through the your choices and the decisions you make, you set the course of your destiny and what road you walk on through the course of your life. It's true that sometimes events happen to us that we cannot help, but no one else decides for you how to react to them and how to continue onwards. I determine through my actions how my life will unfold. I determine through the choices I make what will directly affect me and my life. No one else can force me to do something I do not want to do. Of course, there will be consequences to the choices you make, but there are always consequences to any choice you make, even if that choice is to try to avoid making any choice at all. You could offer up excuses, reasons, all manner of explanations as to why you're being forced to take one course of action or another, but in reality, no one else can truly force a decision on you. You and you alone make that choice and consequently have an effect on the future of your life.

For example, when I was applying to colleges, I chose to attend Rutgers University's Engineering school. Could I have gone to a different school? Yes. As anyone who knows me will tell you, though I'm not unskilled at math and science, I never really took a liking to either subject. So why go to Engineering? Well, I could blame my parents, my culture, the expectations placed on me, or any number of other pressures placed on me, but ultimately, it was my decision. I ended up failing out of the engineering program, which I suppose I had to have known was going to happen given how I feel about math and science. Regardless, though, it was my choice to make and I made it. If I really wanted to, I could have made a different choice. It may have carried with it certain consequences, but that doesn't mean I couldn't have made the decision anyway. My parents had strong sway in my decision, but again, they are not me. Only I am me and I chose to bow to the expectations that were placed on me despite my dislike of the subjects heavily involved in engineering. You could say it was fate that I go to engineering and fail out, but I say it was my destiny because it was a choice I made, not because it was forced on me, and it is a destiny I could have changed at any time simply by making a different choice. So it is with all of us, that we are not the victims of fate or some higher force that says things must happen a certain way. We have the power to choose the course of our own life and if we decide that the destiny in store for us on our current path is not what we want, it is through our choices that we can change it. Only you have the power to do that, however. No divine force or being or entity can ever alter the direction you've set for yourself in your life, you must consciously choose to change directions on your own.

“Fate is for those too weak to determine their own destiny.”
-Kamran Hamid