September 28, 2005

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  Je Me Souviens

  
  

  I remember it clearly... every detail, every scent and fragrance, every flavor that touched my tongue, every vivid image that passed my eyes. I remember the emotions I felt, the tremendous euphoria and the terrible pain that never seemed to go away. I remember it, though sometimes I wish I would forget. I wonder about the bliss in being ignorant, and what it would be like to be able to wipe it all away and start fresh. But I can't. None of us have the luxury of pressing the reset button on our life and starting over. We've made our mistakes and had our moments, and despite it all, life goes on around us.

  
  

  Sometimes when I'm forced to reflect upon my past, I cringe in embarassment at all the errors, stumbles, trips and falls. I'm far from perfect, far from my ideal image of myself. We all go through the same thing at times, though we're often reluctant. It's not entirely pleasant to think about everything that's happened to you, to mull it over in your head in an attempt to make sense of it all. We wonder when it'll all make sense. When will the day come when we'll sit here and ponder and suddenly everything will fall into place like a gigantic puzzle and we can finally see the whole picture clearly for the first time? ...the day when we'll finally realize what it all means and why we had to have all of these experiences.

  
  

  We're strange creatures, because we can't see where we're going, only where we are and where we've already been. It's as if we're walking towards our ultimate destination backwards, with no clue what that destination is or what lies ahead of us. We can only see the road behind us, and try to learn our lessons from them as best we can. By refusing to remember, by refusing to see it, acknowledge it, embrace it, you are left with only the present, the here and now, with no history to guide you, no lessons learned to be your compass, no ambitions to be your map. Without my past, I'm just a shell. Without my past, I'm not me.

  
  

  It's unpleasant at times, but I force myself to remember. I force myself to think about it. I force myself to reflect upon it, because it's how I know who I am and where I'm going. My memories are everything that has led me here, and to forget it all is to lose myself.

  
  

  And so I dust off the old photo albums in the often unvisited corners of my mind, fold my legs as I sit, and open it up in my lap.

  
  

  I remember.

  • 7:04 pm
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