The Golden Apple

It's easy to get lost in the modern world. We struggle our whole lives to find fulfillment, completeness, a sense of serenity. We search desperately, quietly for that thing to make us feel whole and at peace, always working to make sure no one knows how much we are really hurting on the inside. Some people give up and choose instead to escape, to run away, to flee. Some of us, however, choose instead to fight.

But in fighting, it's important to carefully choose your battles. If you lash out at everyone in a blind rage, you'll quickly find yourself painted into a corner with no one to come to your aid. There's a reason why some of the wisest, most successful leaders of our time preached peace, not violence, and promoted understanding and love, not fear and hatred. It's because hate begets more hate and violence begets more violence. By fighting, I mean struggling against those forces which threaten to consume you and bring you down. It's so subtle, so discreet, so imperceptible, that the toughest, most steel-willed people succumb to it even once in a while. We're all only human, after all.

There's a tale in Greek Mythology that goes something like this: A stubborn princess refused to marry any of her suitors and so the king arranged a contest. Anyone who could defeat her in a race would win the right to marry her. Unfortunately for the suitors, the princess was the fastest runner in the entire kingdom. The winner won her over with golden apples that he would throw in her path to distract her. She would inevitably pause to pick them up every time he did, and so he defeated her this way and won her hand in marriage. Our world functions much the same way as this suitor. Everywhere we turn, there are golden apples trying to lure us away from our goals, from out path, from our chosen futures. The lure is simply too strong to resist.

So if life is the race and we are the princess, the suitor with the golden apples represents every force that exists in the world that's trying to bring you down. You learn too quickly that there is no fulfillment in the apples he offers you, no peace, no completeness. The apple does only what it was designed to do: distract you from your path.

I know many of my readers read my page because it sometimes makes sense of a seemingly insane world, because it sometimes offers answers. Well, would it surprise you to know I'm the most easily distracted person I know? I'm not unlike Homer Simpson, in that when I see something shiny or interesting, I tend to go "Oooh!" and simply wander off towards it. But I also have the ability to hyper-focus and a tremendous willpower when I need it. Once I have my sights set on a goal, I will not give up or give in until I've reached it, or until I've determined it's not a goal I wish to fulfill. Part of the reason I don't seem to search for wholeness or completeness is because I don't need to. I am a whole, complete person.

I have no answers as to why, because those reasons are my own. But what I can tell you, is that there is only one person who can change your life and that is you. The world around you holds no answers, only distractions. All of your searches and explorations, all of your seeking and discovering, all of your living life looking for answers, it will all lead you back to the same place: where you began: All roads lead you back to yourself. And as you experience more and more, you will slowly find that the answer is not outside of you, it's within you. You hold the power to your own happiness, to your future, to all the answers you seek. It's all there, locked away somewhere inside you, lost, misplaced, mis-filed in the wrong filing cabinet, under the wrong name. It's buried under the mountain of information, papers, and useless trinkets we've all collected from the outside world, hidden under layers of other emotions and feelings, memories and history, under all of the things the outside world has dumped upon us since the second we were born.

Dig as deep as you can, farther than you've ever dared, to the very core of who you are. Be brave enough to really look in a mirror at yourself and search to the core of your being. Fight past your fear, sadness, loneliness, pain, and all the negativity threatening you, and there somewhere buried beneath the mountain of crap and junk you've collected will be the answer.

(Note: This is a recycled entry from October 3, 2004. And yes, that particular golden apple is a teacher's award, but use your imagination.)

-=* Edit *=-
The Marxist Version

Grand Touring Injected

It has come to my attention that some of you are unaware that there is a new, fully redesigned Volkswagen GTI coming just beyond the horizon. As a dutiful VW owner, I feel it is my duty to insure that all of you are aware of this, so that I can twist all of you into VW fanatics.  In anycase, here it is:

In the first picture, the one immediately to the left of the new 2006 GTI is pretty much what my GTI looks like (down the color). I could start gushing about how much more improved the new GTI is, how much better it is, and all of the goodies it'll come with, but I feel like I'll lose most of you somewhere in the midst of that. So let's just say it's an awesome little car and leave it at that.

I'm going to own one of those new ones someday. Shh, don't tell my GTI. She might think I'm cheating on her. But I mean, it's not really cheating, right?

And, here's a sneak peak at the new R32:

You can thank me later.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled post:

Lessons I Learned From a Squirrel
Inspired by emjay83

Years ago, before I ever owned the GTI I drive today, I was pulling out of my driveway in my '86 Chevy Blazer S10 to head somewhere or other (I don't really remember where I was even going). It was autumn and cold outside, and freezing rain was coming down. I wasn't even a few feet out of my driveway when all of a sudden a squirrel literally dropped from the sky and hit the pavement in front of me. I immediately tried to stop to let it scurry away, but the poor thing must have broken its leg from the fall, because it was running frantically... in circles. Well, I had enough time to slow down, but not enough time to fully stop or swerve to avoid it (especially since it was running like a maniac round and round in a circle), so I unfortunately hit it.

Imagine for a moment that you are that squirrel. You're trotting along, running across power lines, minding your own business. You've never had a problem doing it before, but today, the freezing rain is making it slippery, and you lose your footing and fall. That's bad enough on its own, but unfortunately for you, you fall not onto soft grass and dirt, but onto rock hard pavement, breaking a few bones in the process. You know the road is a dangerous place, so you attempt to run for it, but the almost unendurable pain coming from two of your limbs tells you that they're broken. That might explain why you're going in circles and not getting anywhere, but you don't have time to think about how to get out of this mess, because right when you thought it couldn't get any worse, here comes an SUV headed right for you. In panic, the only thing you can think of to do is run faster. I mean, it's always worked before, right? When a car is coming, you make a mad dash for it and pray to your squirrelly ancestors for protection, but today that only seems to be making you go in circles even faster. And right before the Blazer squashes you into road pancake, you ask God, "Why me? Did I do something to anger you? I was just minding my own business. I don't deserve this."

Sometimes even though you hope for the best and plan for the worst, things take a tragic turn towards disaster that you never could've possibly seen coming. Sometimes, even though we put forth our strongest effort and sincerely, earnestly work our hearts out, it just all seems to go awry at the worst possible time, despite all that we did to be ready. These are just the circumstances life throws at you. There is no explanation, no reason, no justice in any of it. We seek answers as to why, but really, there are no reasonable answers that will ever be enough to satiate your appetite for truth. It's just that sometimes in life, bad things happen to people who don't deserve it and often in the worst possible way. We just have to cope as best we can, and move on with our lives, because time stands still for no one. Just pick yourself back up and keep moving forward, along a different road if you have to.

Unless of course, you've just been made into road pancake by a large car or truck, in which case, one is forced to wonder: how are you reading this?

*Note on Pictures*: I may or may not draw one today, but if I do, it'll be later because I seriously need to take a nap. Waking up at 3:30 am isn't fun. I have to admit, in retrospect, I'm not too happy with yesterday's picture, even though the subject of the picture (boolyuhwoo) seemed to like it. I might have another go at it. I'm pretty sure I can do better.

-=* New Picture *-=

Ok, so I decided to draw bo0lyuhw0o. Any distortion you see is likely because of two reasons. 1) I think the picture was taken with a cellphone or digital camera at a fairly close distance. 2) The picture I was working off of to draw this was about two inches tall. I don't know about you, but drawing a 2" tall picture on a 9x12" size paper requires a lot of filling in of details that simply don't exist in the original picture. I think I did ok despite that, though.

-=* Limited Offer *=-

For a limited time only I am going to offer one (and only one) picture like the one below to one of my readers. (Not the dancing cartoon picture, the one below that one. ) Frankly, I need the practice and I tend to run out of things to draw when left to my own devices. As you may have guessed already, pictures like the one below are time consuming and I don't attempt them all that frequently. Note, the picture does not have to be of you. Also note that I do not guarantee accuracy. I'm not a Xerox machine. I'm not entirely sure how I'll go about selecting someone if I get more than one request, but if the last time I tried this is any indication, I'll probably get a maximum of two or three. Maybe I can draw names from a hat or something.

Congrats to bo0lyuhw0o for remembering, this is Sonya from the cartoon Heathcliff. I can now rest at ease.

-=* Edit Redux *=-
** New Picture **

Ok, I shaded the picture I drew earlier. Unfortunately, my scanner apparently dislikes pencil and doesn't scan it very well. I might remedy that some day by buying a nice high quality scanner, but for now I make do with what I have. Trust me, the shading looks much nicer when you see it in person. In any case, it's an improvement over the unshaded version. Maybe I can try taking a photograph of it or something.

-=* Edit *=-

This post has been interupted for an important announcement:

I was browsing random xanga blogs when I came across The Complete Calvin and Hobbes (Hardcover) $91.67 on poptartsgurl's xanga site. I had no idea such a compilation existed. I must have it. I have to start scheming a way to buy one. We now return to your regularly schedule blog, already in progress.

The Wonders of Coffee

I've always been told that coffee is bad for you, but I never really payed it any mind. I mean, everyone and their mother drinks it, how bad could it be? How could something that smells so wonderful be bad? Well, let me give you the quick list:

• 
  
  Coffee naturally has nitrosamines, a carcinogen which increases the risk of various types of cancer, including colon cancer.
  
  
• 
  
  Once you consume coffee, it combines with the acid in your stomach and forms a poison called caffeine hydrochloride. In an attempt to flush this from your body, your body becomes more regular, but this leads to other problems.
  
  
• 
  
  Your body can become dependent on coffee to be regular.
  
  
• 
  
  Causes a depletion of nutrients necessary to do all kinds of things. This can lead to any number of complications you probably don't even associate with coffee.
  
  
• 
  
  Increases cortisol levels, which causes stress. High stress, obviously, leads to other problems.
  
  
• 
  
  Supresses appetite, which when combined with the nutritional deficiency and high stress levels mentioned above, can lead to even more fun stuff.
  
  
• 
  
  Promotes loss of calcuim and can lead to osteoporosis.
  
  
• 
  
  Contains varying quantities of toxic chemicals and pesticides, none of which you really want inside of you. (This is especially true of decaf, apparently, because it must be exposed to various chemicals to remove the caffeine.)
  
  
• 
  
  All kinds of unpleasant side effects that won't kill you, but sure aren't fun.

I think that about sums it up. If you want more info, just look it up on google. There's plenty of articles out there that list all the great benefits of coffee. I for one have decided to opt not to drink it anymore. I'm going to have to wean myself off of soda too. Erf. What an undertaking.

New Picture

I tried to make this one a little more realistic, but I didn't get around to shading it or adding half-tones because, well, it's time consuming. My pencil marks tend to be really light, so it probably wouldn't have scanned well anyway.

-=* Edit *=-

Apparently some of you want to know who that is. Sorry, I'm not telling.

The Temple of Your Spirit

I heard on the news this morning that an estimated 70% of American women and 90% of American men will, at some point in their lives, be overweight. Now I myself have never claimed to be the model of health and physical fitness, but nevertheless, I have never been overweight and I find these statistics to be somewhat disturbing.

Granted, there is the prevailing belief that you can be both "fat and happy" but I think I'm going to have to side with Dr. Phil on this one and say that it's just a bunch of garbage. Not only is being overweight unhealthy, it's . . . well, isn't the health aspect of it reason enough? I could go into all the psychological reasons why it's also bad for you, but there really is no need, because your physical health and well-being should be important enough to you that you at least make an attempt to care for yourself and your body.

Your body is the vessel in which your soul resides. Not unlike the house or apartment within which you dwell, how you maintain it is a reflection of yourself. If you let it fall into disarray and ruin, it not only speaks badly of you to others, it's also unpleasant to live in for your own purposes. Let's pretend you're the average American and that your house is an exact reflection of your body. The hallways are cluttered with random stuff you've been holding onto for no reason, making it difficult to walk past. The air, your clothing, and pretty much anything made of fabric smells strongly of cigarette smoke. Discarded food containers, empty packaging, and even bits of old food lay strewn about haphazardly, mixed with animal fur and dander from your pets that you never clean up after.

Most of us have visited such a house at least once. It's not a memory I particularly cherish, but it serves to remind me of what can happen if you allow it to happen. Make all the excuses you want, but the only person in control of your life and your body is you. No matter how well meaning or well intentioned, no one else can force you to do what's healthy for your body if you really don't want to do it. It's upon you to find the motivation and strength within yourself to truly care about the vessel which carries your spirit.

Sure, some people will cry foul that ideal weight is just a ploy to get all the insecure Americans to try and look like models, but that simply is not true. Being overweight carries with it serious health risks that can not only threaten the quality of your life, it can significantly shorten your life span. If truly feel that all your indulgences are worth a few years off of your life, then by all means, disregard me. After all, I'm just some random Korean guy.

-=* Edit *=-

And just because I'm bored and killing time before I begin my training, here's the results of a quiz for you to enjoy. Woot. I bet you missed seeing these.

Cor blimey, I taste like Tea. I am a subtle flavour, quiet and polite, gentle, almost ambient. My presence in crowds will often go unnoticed. Best not to spill me on your clothes though, I can leave a nasty stain. What Flavour Are You?

-=* Edit 2 *=-

This is my cousin postlogic. I was considering doing a much nicer one than just a simple sketch, but my apathy got the better of me.

I have now completed all drawing requests.

Any new requests?

Inside Out
Outside In

Everyone treasures beauty. We all seek it, long for it, strive to imitate or create it in our own ways. But beauty in and of itself is a difficult thing to really describe, if only because it is individual to our own tastes and desires. What is beautiful to me may not be so to another, and the things I can see may not be there in the eyes of other people around me.

When we are younger, we often look at only the external. We find attractiveness in what we see and that is enough. But experience teaches us that there are far more important things than what we see on the outside. That is when we learn to seek out beauty on the inside as well. Such a concept, however, is far more abstract and difficult to define than the external, for it involves such qualities and traits that cannot be seen.

I've never believed, though, that it ever becomes as simple as that, because no matter how much we may deny it or claim otherwise, these two concepts are far more intertwined than we allow ourselves to believe. By categorizing them separately, it's easy to imagine they are separate, but it's surprising how easily one leads to the other.

What is inside you will show itself on the exterior, just as how your external appearance and behavior affects your beliefs, personality, and psyche in ways you might not know. They are linked and intertwined, connected and inseparable.

If you are shallow, materialistic, selfish, arrogant, narcissistic, or any number of other negative traits, other people will be able to see it far more clearly than you may realize. But by the same token, even if you believe you have a beautiful heart and mind, your inability to care for your health, your body, your physical vessel which carries your soul, will manifest itself through the very inner traits you treasure and taint them.

No one claims to be perfect. But in our attempts to better ourselves, perhaps we should be more aware that our supposed innner and outer selves are not two seperate things, but rather two equal halves of a whole. To believe you can nurture one side perfectly while neglecting the other is just a fantasy. You must balance both, or you may find someday that the decay of one has led to the decline of the other.

Corpse Bride

I saw it today. Initially, I went in with mixed expectations. For the most part, I enjoy Tim Burton's movies, but from watching the previews and listening to the reviews, I was unsure of how well this one would measure up against some of his better past efforts. I'm happy to say, though, that I left fairly satisfied, especially with the ending, which was a little less predictable than I thought it was going to be. My only minor complaint is that the musical numbers in the beginning seem a little less seamless and well integrated as the ones in the Nightmare Before Christmas, but I think that's not a reason to avoid seeing it.

Recommended viewing.

Je Me Souviens

I remember it clearly... every detail, every scent and fragrance, every flavor that touched my tongue, every vivid image that passed my eyes. I remember the emotions I felt, the tremendous euphoria and the terrible pain that never seemed to go away. I remember it, though sometimes I wish I would forget. I wonder about the bliss in being ignorant, and what it would be like to be able to wipe it all away and start fresh. But I can't. None of us have the luxury of pressing the reset button on our life and starting over. We've made our mistakes and had our moments, and despite it all, life goes on around us.

Sometimes when I'm forced to reflect upon my past, I cringe in embarassment at all the errors, stumbles, trips and falls. I'm far from perfect, far from my ideal image of myself. We all go through the same thing at times, though we're often reluctant. It's not entirely pleasant to think about everything that's happened to you, to mull it over in your head in an attempt to make sense of it all. We wonder when it'll all make sense. When will the day come when we'll sit here and ponder and suddenly everything will fall into place like a gigantic puzzle and we can finally see the whole picture clearly for the first time? ...the day when we'll finally realize what it all means and why we had to have all of these experiences.

We're strange creatures, because we can't see where we're going, only where we are and where we've already been. It's as if we're walking towards our ultimate destination backwards, with no clue what that destination is or what lies ahead of us. We can only see the road behind us, and try to learn our lessons from them as best we can. By refusing to remember, by refusing to see it, acknowledge it, embrace it, you are left with only the present, the here and now, with no history to guide you, no lessons learned to be your compass, no ambitions to be your map. Without my past, I'm just a shell. Without my past, I'm not me.

It's unpleasant at times, but I force myself to remember. I force myself to think about it. I force myself to reflect upon it, because it's how I know who I am and where I'm going. My memories are everything that has led me here, and to forget it all is to lose myself.

And so I dust off the old photo albums in the often unvisited corners of my mind, fold my legs as I sit, and open it up in my lap.

I remember.